What's in a Name? Navigating Affectionate Naming in Memoir Writing

Memoir writing is a delicate blend of truth-telling and storytelling. It demands both the precision of memory and the fluidity of emotion. And one surprisingly complex decision memoirists often face is: what do I call the people I love on the page?

This question may seem minor at first, but it reveals itself as fundamental. The names we choose carry emotional weight. They tell readers not just who someone was, but who they were to us. In legacy memoir especially—where the writer seeks to preserve stories for children, grandchildren, and generations beyond—these choices shape the tone, intimacy, and accessibility of the work.

I was recently asked a powerful question by a writer working on such a memoir. She had been writing about her late husband, a beloved figure in the family, referring to him sometimes as "בעלי" (my husband), sometimes as "Aba" (father), and occasionally as "Zaidie" (grandfather).  She had introduced him early in the memoir as all three, but throughout the letters and reflections, she found herself slipping between the names. She asked: Should I choose just one name for consistency—or let it vary?

This question touches the heart of memoir writing: should emotional truth take precedence over technical consistency? Let's unpack this issue and explore how writers can approach naming in personal narrative.

Memoir is not journalism. It's not a resume or a formal biography. It is, at its best, a living conversation between the writer and the reader—an attempt to capture the internal landscape of a life. As such, it makes sense that the name you use for a person you loved deeply might change depending on the memory, the tone, or the audience.

When you write about your husband in the role of your partner, you might call him "בעלי"—not just because it's accurate, but because it carries emotional resonance. It anchors you in the identity of a wife.

When remembering him through the eyes of your children, or speaking to them through the memoir, calling him "Aba" feels more natural, more immediate. It's how he lived in their world.

And when you're speaking to your grandchildren, invoking him as "Zaidie" brings him back to life in the form they knew.

So the answer is: no, you do not need to choose just one name—as long as the variation serves the emotional logic of the text.

That said, it helps to offer readers a compass early in the memoir. A brief introduction like:

"In these pages, you'll hear me call him by many names: בעלי when I speak from my heart, Aba when I write to our children, and Zaidie when I remember the joy he brought to our grandchildren. He was all of these—and more."

With this small gesture, you give yourself permission to shift between names while keeping your reader anchored.

Real life is rarely consistent. We refer to loved ones in many ways. Think of how a person might be "Mom" in one breath, "Grandma" in the next, "Sarah" when others refer to her, and "Honey" in the voice of her spouse. The memoir that captures this richness feels more lived-in, more authentic.

In the case of the writer who posed the question, her story of her late husband is layered: he was her rock, her partner, the father of her children, and the grandfather who lit up the lives of the next generation. Calling him by multiple names honors each of those layers.

If you're writing a memoir or personal essay and find yourself using different names for a loved one, here are a few practical suggestions:

1. Clarify early. Introduce the person with all the names they might be called. This sets the tone.
2. Use context. Let the setting or tone of a section justify the use of a particular name. A story about parenting may call for "Aba" while a personal reflection might use "בעלי."
3. Be mindful of overuse. If name-switching becomes too frequent, it can become distracting. Use with intention, not out of habit.
4. Use italics or parentheses thoughtfully. If you're writing for an audience that might not be familiar with Hebrew or Yiddish terms, consider a gentle clarification:

   "That day, Aba (my husband) surprised the children with a picnic."

5. Anchor the character through voice. Even if you use different names, the voice you use to describe the person—the love, humor, or admiration—should remain steady. This gives readers continuity even when names shift.

For those writing or editing memoirs, here are some key terms that connect with the ideas in this post:

• memoir naming conventions
• writing legacy memoir
• Hebrew names in memoir
• how to write about loved ones
• emotional consistency in memoir
• legacy writing tips
• writing about grief
• personal narrative naming choices
• memoir editing advice

Memoir writing is as much about feeling as it is about structure. The names we use for the people we love matter—not just because they identify someone, but because they express relationship, affection, and identity. If you're writing a legacy memoir, allow yourself to honor your loved one in all their roles: partner, parent, grandparent.

Ultimately, if you write with clarity, intention, and heart, your reader will follow. And more importantly, your loved one's legacy will live on—not as a tidy label, but as a full, complex, cherished presence.

Do you have a memoir writing question? Send it to me through this site, and we may feature it in a future post!

Photo by Waldemar on Unsplash